Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
