Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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