my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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