He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
