We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
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