apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
