Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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