finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
