in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
