sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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