Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
