dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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