Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
