You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
