Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
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and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
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We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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