Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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