Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
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it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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