There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
