On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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