i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
