I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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