Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
