In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
