I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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