sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
