wrigley field is MILF paradise
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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