When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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