I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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