Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
