I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
