I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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