By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
