my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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