Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
