it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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