tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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