Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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