Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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