I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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