i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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