my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
there is puke in my bra ... again
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
