You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
