I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
