I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
