The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
