So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
