theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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