he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
