4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
