Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
