Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
