if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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