just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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