Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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